Longing: Part 3 Secret Lover

The last time we spoke you were having problems with your cable. I sent text messages but was greeted with no response. I am getting used to this. Our mutual friend hasn’t heard from you either which has us both wondering about you. She is far more understanding then I am when it comes to human nature.

This silence just brings out the longing in me. I hate it’s persistent grip on my mind.I am forever longing to be in contact with you. It feels like decades at times. I crave to hear your voice or just know that you are ok just busy with your own life. I have my own life too. I have a great life. I have a devoted husband who loves me but what exactly is this longing that I have for you.

I have said this before and I am sure I will say it again but I think I am going insane with this dang longing for you. It wants to rip me apart. Maybe it’s the dang appeal of you that drives me crazy. The sound of your voice, the innuendos that we speak of but never do. I think I am really losing it. I don’t think you care about me as much as you say you do. I think I have built you up in my mind.

It’s like a fantasy that has so much potential and if the reality ever came to be it would tear us apart. Do I have a desire to self destruct? I wonder if we all do. I want to lash out and scream for you. I want you to take me in your arms and crush out all these fears that are telling me to doubt you; to doubt the feeling that I have for you.

I try to convince myself that what we have isn’t real but if I am right why am I having these feelings of longing. I am questioning if you have these longings too but why should you if this isn’t real for you. I am going round in circles in my head. This silence from you isn’t helping me either. It’s just feeding the paranoia.

I know we live in two different worlds and when we come together we create our own. I know how insane I sound but nobody gets us like we do. I have this with my husband but I have this with you too and I know how greedy I am how greedy I can be.

I want what I want when I want it but sometimes you have to deal with the cards you are dealt with which only feeds the longing that I feel. Do you feel this longing too? Do you feel this longing for me? Please I beg you answer me.


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