It’s not okay

I wish I could just smile and pretend it didn’t hurt. I wish I could just say that I am not upset by the turn of events. Sometimes people forget that there are other people on the other side of the keyboard. The internet is made of computers but there are people behind those computers breathing, crying, laughing and wanting to share.

Even gamers sometimes forget that the people they are playing with or against have feelings. They can pretend in their world of fantasy as they back stab and plot their next attack but the person they are playing against or with does have feelings.

You can say that you care but if you can’t be truthful to the person you are relating with what does that say about you? Yeah, I am not okay because I am tired of the lies. I am sick of the half-truths or the simple fact that my feelings aren’t taken into consideration.

To say that you care about some one is easy to do. To follow it up with action is another kettle of fish which can be a slippery slope which I feel that I am the fish out of water trying to breath air when I have gills that filter life giving oxygen from the water.

I can’t even speak with the person I am upset with because I am so angry that I might actually make matters worse but aren’t I making things worse by not speaking?

Even as I type this I wonder if I am being too hard but I can’t help feeling the way that I feel. Is there a dang sign on my forehead that says go ahead and shit all over me. I don’t mind. It’ll wash off me. I wonder if I do because lately, that’s all I end up feeling. I am being shat all over by people who claim to care and want to spend time with me but when push comes to shove they fall short. WAY SHORT!

I wish I was harder. I wish I had thick skin and that things didn’t upset me the way that they do because in the long run, it doesn’t matter.

When am I going to learn not to have expectations or standards. When am I going to realise that everyone doesn’t think or try to take other people’s feeling into consideration. Not every one does this, so I shouldn’t be so shocked when it occurs.

It’s not okay. I am not sure how it will ever be okay but eventually the sting will leave me. I will heal and forgive but I don’t think I am ever going to forget.

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Another Sleepless Night

I’ve been crying over things. Friends who don’t stay in touch. A death of a sibling whom I felt extremely close to but something got in the way and years went by and I always thought I would get another hug. It’s not going to happen ever in this lifetime for me. 

A good cry is sometimes what is needed. I’ve been missing another someone but it’s almost like I am grieving or adrift in a rip because they just aren’t responding. I should just phone or  drop a line again. It just gets tiring always reaching out no response.

Songs keep popping into my head like Sting ‘When you love somebody’ or Sheryl Crow ‘favorite mistake’ which just makes me feel more adrift. 

Time to let go; perhaps way past time to let go but I still hold on tight in this rip I am caught in because this person reminds me of my beloved sibling whom I lost. 

Is it some demented primal game I am taunting myself with? It’s another sleepless night grappling with a situation which should be so simple to deal with but it’s complicated in my mind.

Fuck Off

If you are looking for a rant, buddy, you just found yourself on the right blog but at the moment there is absolutely nothing erotic being written here except for the use of a hell of a lot of fucking expletives

I had experienced a very lovely afternoon with a friend of my sister’s in law. Thank goodness I left my iphone in my room because if I had it on me when the message came in, I would have blown my fucking top even worse than I have.

I now recall why I had decided to cut somebody out of my life after the message I received. I know I was in the fucking wrong but still fuck me if that stupid bitch just didn’t understand why I didn’t respond to her long message. I was in no mood to mollycoddle her and let her think she had done me a huge favor by writing to me. Now I am taking the fucking coward’s way out and fucking ranting on my blog that hardly anyone has read to just get this fucking bullshit out so I can put this bullshit to fucking bed so I can get some fucking decent sleep.

I mean I know I was there for her in the past but why does she think I need to respond to that freaking huge message she wrote to me trying to console me. I don’t feel like dwelling on it and I certainly don’t fucking feel like responding to her but I fucking caved in, was fucking diplomatic about the boo boo I had done to her by not fucking responding fucking pronto to her. I didn’t want to write back. I could care less about what the fuck she is doing. So fucking what if I want to be quiet and not reach out when she was trying to be my fucking savior. I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t say I was fucking lonely or needed any fucking condolences. I just want to fucking wallow in my own feces for as fucking long as I fucking want to. I know this is fucking self serving and selfish. SO FUCKING WHAT! IT’S MY FUCKING BLOG!

JUST FUCK OFF! Enough said? Yeah, I think so. I want to fuck nothing changes there but I certainly don’t want to be fucked by this sort of bullshit which only gives me aggravation and fucking grief. I am dealing with my own shit in my own fucking way. In no fucking way did I say I wanted her input or ask for her fucking advice which I wouldn’t follow any fucking way because she’s paranoid. When you write to someone to console them, normally you don’t write them again to ask why they didn’t respond. OMFG!

Somebody get me off this computer and give it to me good…so good I fucking forget I said to FUCK OFF!

Fucked Up Beyond All Reasoning

No one ever promised life was going to be easy but how in the world could someone be so heartless and cruel? These thoughts keeping popping in my head as I sit here trying to figure out how to help someone who is also hurting and lost without someone they love in their world. 

Losing someone you love is never easy but to know another member of the family is blatantly lashing out at someone who is low and wanting to make them pay for something they had no control over and already filled with guilt over the loss is just fucked up beyond all reasoning

In grief people do really stupid things. The truth of the situation is already fucked up beyond all reasoning. I don’t know how to express myself. I am trying to make sense of these things. I am trying to be Switzerland. I feel as if I am failing miserably on all counts. I want to be there for them both because we all have lost this person but tearing each other down isn’t what our loved one wanted. I know he would not be happy. 

Why is it wrong to kick a dog when it is already hurting and broken but to hurt someone else who is already at their lowest point ok? In what universe is that even okay. I can’t believe how fucked up beyond all reasoning this is. It’s a reality in my world. I can’t fix it. 

Yet in this fucked up situation I still have hope. The eternal optimist inside me still wants to believe that in the end everything is going to be okay.

It’s fucked up beyond all reasoning but I still believe in the end we will all be stronger.

I Want To Be A Blind Man’s Iphone: A Rant by an envious wife

I want to be a blind man’s Iphone. It gets much more action than I ever get. Life before the Iphone was not so bad. I actually felt much more needed. He would never give his mobile that much attention until this stupid Iphone came into his life.
I hate to admit this but I’m envious of voice over. I can’t believe all the flicks, twists, and pinches it gets. I get much less action than the Iphone now.
I want to be triple clicked home. I want to be flicked. I can’t get over the action this Iphone has gotten as he has gotten more confident using it. I can’t get over the two finger double tap. I haven’t ever gotten a two finger double tap that much from him.
Two finger flick down to read a selection. Omg! I think he has never two finger flicked down on me or even up. Just think of how things in our bedroom would be if he were to do some of these gestures to me. If he would rotate my nipples like he rotates the rotor, he might actually discover reactions from me he never had before.
I’ll never forget the other night when I couldn’t sleep and thought I heard another woman’s voice only to discover he was using his Iphone. He wasn’t snoring but tapping and flicking away like it was the most sane thing to do. When I left the bed, he didn’t even bother to check on me.
I know this sounds pathetic but I want to be a blind man’s Iphone so I can get the action that the Iphone receives. I want to be a blind man’s Iphone that gets really good useage.

The Bitch Came Out

Today I have let my inner bitch out at a woman who constantly rings my hubby for help. I wasn’t rude but I told her in uncertain terms that he was busy at the moment having lunch and she might not hear back from him until tomorrow. I know that I should have just let it go to message bank like he wanted. It would have been the wisest, most peaceful thing to do. Some how this woman really just brings out my inner bitch. In previous phone calls, I have heard my husband get really aggravated with her.  He was in another room but from his tone of voice I knew exactly what his hands were doing… flopping in exasperation like they do when he is trying not to show how aggravated he was. Another phone call with her and he was beside me in the computer room. I could hear her speaking over the top of him. I let it go, I said very loudly with him trying to cover the mouthpiece so she wouldn’t hear what I was saying “Maybe if you didn’t talk over him and listen you’d actually get something done”. She asked who it was and what was going on. He is ever the peacemaker and explained it was me, then left the room so I wouldn’t have any more outbursts.

Later on he told me that she thinks I am intolerant and controlling. Now I think she is right when it comes to her because I am intolerant of her because she abuses her friendship with my husband but she doesn’t see how irritating she can be. She also said that westerners are spoiled with silver spoons in our mouths. We don’t know how lucky we have it. That statement right there just makes my inner bitch want to throttle her. I don’t want to meet her and I know she’s scared of me so I used my inner bitch today on her. I answered the phone in a controlled tone of voice to let her know that he was busy. I fed into the concept this woman has about me. I know it isn’t the most mature thing to do but at least now I have her squirming.

Our house has horrible reception and she rang him on his mobile. He didn’t answer it because of that fact. He is going to make her wait another hour so he says. I almost rang her back but he unplugged the phone so I couldn’t do that.

I am not jealous of this woman. I know my husband doesn’t care about her in that way. He is not remotely interested in her. He is very caring and enjoys helping others. I can understand her needing help from him. I don’t get why though she is hesitant to call others who could help her on a help desk which is designed for people who use screen readers. She has an idea that she is going to be “labelled a client” which if she is what’s the fucking deal?!? Lots of people need help.

I know I am sounding a bit twisted. I frankly am because I know I should just let it go. I should not get all hung up about this inconsequential woman who doesn’t see how fucking demanding she can be. She doesn’t want to be labelled but doesn’t mind labelling others. She can’t see but that is only an excuse. People who are blind should know when they are being annoying. Nobody likes being rung up repeatedly and then be lectured about things. It just really galls me so yeah, I did the immature thing and made her squirm. I took pleasure from it. I would like to say I would do it again but I think hubby wouldn’t be pleased about me doing so even if his needy acquaintance deserves it.

The bitch came out in full force. I am not ashamed of this. I am bragging about it to the whole world. I know we all have an inner bitch and sometimes we just have to let her be unleashed!

Never Asked For Your Soul

Paparizou in a plain background in the first s...

Paparizou in a plain background in the first scene of “The Light in Our Soul” music video. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I know I have been silent for a long while now. I haven’t been in a blogging mood but today something I heard got me thinking yet again about blog content and what I wanted to say which is probably going to pour out like a rant but hey, sometimes you just have to say what you have to say or respond to something you hear which is what has me back behind the keyboard.

I love music and lyrics. I heard two songs today that talked about giving your soul to your love. One that I have repeating constantly on Pandora Radio is Hall and Oates “I Can’t Go For That”. The other song I didn’t catch who the singer was but it also said “you want my soul”.

The only time I could think of wanting someone’s soul was if I was a wicked warlock. I know there have been times when I may have used some guy for sex but I never asked for his soul. I have been accused of being a heart breaker but I never actually asked a guy for his soul. I may have asked for affection or love but never demanded to have their soul. I suppose the reason for this is because I can not give someone my soul. I can give affection, kisses, sex, love but I can’t actually give my soul to them.

Even figuratively, I don’t think it’s possible to give someone your soul. Language, especially English, can be so tricky which is why I strive to be open or truthful to the fullest extent possible. I know it’s only an expression and with love songs there is a tendency to go overboard with the gushy stuff but when I hear “I gave you my soul” or “You want my soul”, I think to myself, you stupid mofo I wouldn’t ask for something I couldn’t give back so just suck it up buddy and get over yourself because I am over you.

I know that may sound pretty heartless but it’s the truth. I am not going to give someone my soul because it’s something I can’t give. I may try to show you my heart or how I feel about life and things of importance to me but I can’t give you my soul. Even when I write my poetry I have never asked for someone’s soul but I did say that I would love them from the bottom of my soul.

Maybe the lyrist is just trying to make the lady feel sorry for them or thinks it sounds right but I just cringe. Nope, not right with me kiddo so try another line to pull on my heart-strings. This chick is gonna run the fuck away from you even faster than before.