It’s not okay

I wish I could just smile and pretend it didn’t hurt. I wish I could just say that I am not upset by the turn of events. Sometimes people forget that there are other people on the other side of the keyboard. The internet is made of computers but there are people behind those computers breathing, crying, laughing and wanting to share.

Even gamers sometimes forget that the people they are playing with or against have feelings. They can pretend in their world of fantasy as they back stab and plot their next attack but the person they are playing against or with does have feelings.

You can say that you care but if you can’t be truthful to the person you are relating with what does that say about you? Yeah, I am not okay because I am tired of the lies. I am sick of the half-truths or the simple fact that my feelings aren’t taken into consideration.

To say that you care about some one is easy to do. To follow it up with action is another kettle of fish which can be a slippery slope which I feel that I am the fish out of water trying to breath air when I have gills that filter life giving oxygen from the water.

I can’t even speak with the person I am upset with because I am so angry that I might actually make matters worse but aren’t I making things worse by not speaking?

Even as I type this I wonder if I am being too hard but I can’t help feeling the way that I feel. Is there a dang sign on my forehead that says go ahead and shit all over me. I don’t mind. It’ll wash off me. I wonder if I do because lately, that’s all I end up feeling. I am being shat all over by people who claim to care and want to spend time with me but when push comes to shove they fall short. WAY SHORT!

I wish I was harder. I wish I had thick skin and that things didn’t upset me the way that they do because in the long run, it doesn’t matter.

When am I going to learn not to have expectations or standards. When am I going to realise that everyone doesn’t think or try to take other people’s feeling into consideration. Not every one does this, so I shouldn’t be so shocked when it occurs.

It’s not okay. I am not sure how it will ever be okay but eventually the sting will leave me. I will heal and forgive but I don’t think I am ever going to forget.

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Fuck Off

If you are looking for a rant, buddy, you just found yourself on the right blog but at the moment there is absolutely nothing erotic being written here except for the use of a hell of a lot of fucking expletives

I had experienced a very lovely afternoon with a friend of my sister’s in law. Thank goodness I left my iphone in my room because if I had it on me when the message came in, I would have blown my fucking top even worse than I have.

I now recall why I had decided to cut somebody out of my life after the message I received. I know I was in the fucking wrong but still fuck me if that stupid bitch just didn’t understand why I didn’t respond to her long message. I was in no mood to mollycoddle her and let her think she had done me a huge favor by writing to me. Now I am taking the fucking coward’s way out and fucking ranting on my blog that hardly anyone has read to just get this fucking bullshit out so I can put this bullshit to fucking bed so I can get some fucking decent sleep.

I mean I know I was there for her in the past but why does she think I need to respond to that freaking huge message she wrote to me trying to console me. I don’t feel like dwelling on it and I certainly don’t fucking feel like responding to her but I fucking caved in, was fucking diplomatic about the boo boo I had done to her by not fucking responding fucking pronto to her. I didn’t want to write back. I could care less about what the fuck she is doing. So fucking what if I want to be quiet and not reach out when she was trying to be my fucking savior. I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t say I was fucking lonely or needed any fucking condolences. I just want to fucking wallow in my own feces for as fucking long as I fucking want to. I know this is fucking self serving and selfish. SO FUCKING WHAT! IT’S MY FUCKING BLOG!

JUST FUCK OFF! Enough said? Yeah, I think so. I want to fuck nothing changes there but I certainly don’t want to be fucked by this sort of bullshit which only gives me aggravation and fucking grief. I am dealing with my own shit in my own fucking way. In no fucking way did I say I wanted her input or ask for her fucking advice which I wouldn’t follow any fucking way because she’s paranoid. When you write to someone to console them, normally you don’t write them again to ask why they didn’t respond. OMFG!

Somebody get me off this computer and give it to me good…so good I fucking forget I said to FUCK OFF!

Release

The anger is rising spilling forth exploding with such ferocity I feel it seething out of me.

I am not sure what will end this need to scream.

A sucker punch to the gut would feel so good whether I was the one taking the punishment or giving it.

I need a release from this ugliness otherwise it will consume me.

Another thought erupts from me, would that be so fucking bad?

You enter the room all guile and becoming.

You wrap me in your arms so warm and strong.

You plunge your tongue into my mouth stifling the scream of anger

changing the emotions raging through my mind and body.

Instead of anger there is now a hunger

the burning anguish turned to consuming heat

satisfaction is slowing mounting as I feel your bulge below grow hard.

Sex is really not the answer but the distraction defused the moment providing another sort of release.