It’s not okay

I wish I could just smile and pretend it didn’t hurt. I wish I could just say that I am not upset by the turn of events. Sometimes people forget that there are other people on the other side of the keyboard. The internet is made of computers but there are people behind those computers breathing, crying, laughing and wanting to share.

Even gamers sometimes forget that the people they are playing with or against have feelings. They can pretend in their world of fantasy as they back stab and plot their next attack but the person they are playing against or with does have feelings.

You can say that you care but if you can’t be truthful to the person you are relating with what does that say about you? Yeah, I am not okay because I am tired of the lies. I am sick of the half-truths or the simple fact that my feelings aren’t taken into consideration.

To say that you care about some one is easy to do. To follow it up with action is another kettle of fish which can be a slippery slope which I feel that I am the fish out of water trying to breath air when I have gills that filter life giving oxygen from the water.

I can’t even speak with the person I am upset with because I am so angry that I might actually make matters worse but aren’t I making things worse by not speaking?

Even as I type this I wonder if I am being too hard but I can’t help feeling the way that I feel. Is there a dang sign on my forehead that says go ahead and shit all over me. I don’t mind. It’ll wash off me. I wonder if I do because lately, that’s all I end up feeling. I am being shat all over by people who claim to care and want to spend time with me but when push comes to shove they fall short. WAY SHORT!

I wish I was harder. I wish I had thick skin and that things didn’t upset me the way that they do because in the long run, it doesn’t matter.

When am I going to learn not to have expectations or standards. When am I going to realise that everyone doesn’t think or try to take other people’s feeling into consideration. Not every one does this, so I shouldn’t be so shocked when it occurs.

It’s not okay. I am not sure how it will ever be okay but eventually the sting will leave me. I will heal and forgive but I don’t think I am ever going to forget.



I want to disappear. I am looking for a partner in crime. I want to be swept off my feet. To be lost in the tide with another who is just as lost as I. When we come together it will seem oh so fine to be lost in the disappearance until time is redefined.

It may only take a second, an hour, or five but when we disappear we’ll discover sensations beyond our own designs. We’ll feel desired in those moments when we are together disappeared to another world where right and wrong aren’t defined but elation rules otherwise sublime.

Sensation, elation, devastation, I want to disappear.

The Birthday Surprise

The idea had been formulating in her mind over years. It was a calculated risk for all parties involved but if executed properly everyone involved would be happy. The reality of the situation though is that things don’t often go to plan. Ideas are great on paper or in the mind but making them reality were on a totally different level which could backfire or derail at any moment. She wasn’t going to let fear though dictate what she wanted to transpire.
The tickets had been purchased. The car rental arranged. She had the address. There were so many other factors out of her control. It frightened her yet also added to the sense of anticipation she had built on the idea over the years.
It’s one thing to have a fantasy. It was another thing to try and make the fantasy a reality which was what she been plotting. No one had an inkling of what she had in mind. None of her family or her own partner knew her plot. He did know of the little dalliance she had with another man online. They had used this little scenario to heighten their own pleasure when they made love. It wasn’t a secret to either of the men in her life. They knew of the other party involved. She didn’t think she was being duplicitous even though she didn’t let her partner know that while she was away she was going to meet Larry. He often travelled for work and she did as well since she was going to a conference the following day in Chicago. She just neglected to inform her partner that she was seeing Larry, her online confidant/lover for his birthday. Larry had no idea either because it was THE surprise.
The plane touched down 5 minutes early. She rushed to the car rental, collected the car, and put Larry’s address into the GPS. It was 7 pm. Was he even going to be home? He could have gone out with friends to a local bar or to watch a game. If he wasn’t home how long was she willing to wait for him to get back? The questions fired off as she followed the instructions the GPS told her to do. Her flight back to Chicago was at 8 AM which meant she had to be back to the airport by 7. She didn’t have any luggage. She had all she needed in her oversized attaché case.
“You have reached your destination on the left.” The GPS announced in the whiny American female voice which grated her nerves. She pulled over, switched off the engine and collected her thoughts. She felt nauseous. Her palms were sweaty. What if he totally rejected her? She pounded the steering wheel to calm herself. Fear was not going to deter her. She looked at her reflection in the rear-view mirror. She needed to just relax. Deep cleansing breaths in and out slowly. She felt herself relax. She glanced at the car clock. 7:35. How long had she been sitting there trying to calm herself? She opened the car door. A Ford truck pulled into his driveway. She watched a man exit the truck with a 12 pack of beer. He didn’t even notice anyone as he started for the front door. Quickly she exited her rental, trying to act calm and sensual. She almost laughed at herself but focussed more on trying to be alluring than comical.
“Larry!?” Her voice broke the silence in the neighbourhood. He spun around to see who was addressing him. His face didn’t show any recognition at first. He watched the woman approaching trying to figure out how he was supposed to know her. It dawned on her that she might have just made the hugest mistake of her life. She reassured herself that life wasn’t living if you didn’t take a risk. His smile didn’t show recognition at all but common courtesy.
“Do I know you?” He still had his keys out heading towards the front door. He wasn’t sure what to make of this woman heading towards him in a business suit and oversized attaché case.
“It’s Jackie.” She crossed the street. Her shoes crunched on the driveway. He didn’t recognize her name. What was wrong with him? Obviously he didn’t think as highly of her as she thought of him. All those hours of talking online were for naught. She should probably just go book a motel room close to the airport and call Tom for phone sex. She should have never planned this birthday surprise for Larry who couldn’t even remember her.
He mumbled her name trying to figure out who she was. “OMFG!! Really Larry you don’t fucking recognize my name. And I stupidly bought all those lines you told me and whispered in my ear.” She spun around to get back to her rental. It was the tone of exasperation that hit Larry like a ton of bricks. “NO FUCKING WAY! Jackie from Australia?”
She spun around all venom now. “HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY DUDE!” She slammed the door shut while he ran towards the vehicle trying to stop her from leaving. She hit the start button. He put the 12 pack on the roof of her car. He flung himself across the hood to get the passenger door. He felt the car lurch. The passenger door wouldn’t open. “Come on Jackie, open the door.”
He saw the fire in her blue eyes that he always imagined it would have. He couldn’t believe she was really there but it was her. She had tears in her eyes. He never imagined she would pull off coming to see him but she was there and he had blown it.”Open the fucking door! And put this car into park. We can talk can’t we?”
Instead of unlocking the door she rolled down the window so they wouldn’t have to yell at each other. “It seems that is all I am good for… a good old chat!” She put the car in park. The beer was still on the roof. He tried to unlock the door from the window. She looked at him in his t-shirt. This was not the way she had imagined meeting him for the first time. In her mind she had romanticized how it would happen. They would have both been prepared. She couldn’t really blame him for not recognizing her.
“Hunny you didn’t even tell me you were in the area. How was I supposed to know you were going to be here. I thought you were in Australia.”
“If I told you it wouldn’t be a surprise.” She huffed but laughed at herself. “I wanted to be a surprise.”
“You want to come in and have a beer?” He retrieved the 12 pack from her roof.
She turned off the car. She grabbed her attaché case again exiting the vehicle after she rolled up the window. They both headed across the street. He opened the front door. “Sorry for the mess,” he apologized. “I wasn’t expecting company.”
“Got any glasses?” She asked him as she took out the bottle of champagne she had brought for herself.
He motioned for her to sit on the sofa after he moved the pizza boxes. He switched on the television which had a football game about to start. He returned with a wine glass for her and a bottle opener for himself. He sat down besides her opening the champagne for her and a bottle of beer for himself.
“To the birthday boy!” Jackie toasted and clicked her glass against his beer bottle. She took a sip from her glass.
He took a sip of beer just drinking in her presence. “As I live and breathe Jackie I never thought I would have met you today of all days. It’s been pretty fucked up for a birthday.”
She wasn’t sure how to respond to his statement. “A real shitter aye?” She finished the glass of bubbly and poured herself another.
He took the glass from her. He placed it on the coffee table. He pulled her close and kissed her gently at first with a hunger burning inside them both that took their breath away. It was no chaste kiss but one that promised potential that would consume them both if they were left to their own devices which was what Jackie had wanted all along. They kissed again. Hands roamed and fondled as they wanted. She took of her jacket and he took off his t-shirt. Clothes went flying mouths were exploring and touching. As more skin was revealed it was covered in kisses or flicked with a tongue. They were on the sofa doing as lovers are oft to do. After it was all over, he kissed the top of her head. “I know you are here but I don’t really know why you came.”
“I thought that was pretty obvious why I came. You knew how to play me.” The both laughed at her pun.
“I don’t know why you decided to be my birthday present.”
“Curiosity was the motivator. I had an opportunity and wanted to make the fantasy a reality. Is that so bad?”
“I don’t think so but you make it hard.”
“I certainly try my best to make you hard. A girl does enjoy sex when she’s got a good partner.”
“When do you have to leave?”
“In the morning so you better enjoy your birthday while it lasts. I have to be in Chicago for a conference.”
“How long will you be in Chicago?”
“Larry it’s only a 3 day conference. I don’t expect you to come and see me there. I just wanted to make your birthday memorable for you especially since it had such a fucked up start.”
He hugged her tight.”The birthday surprise certainly made up for the fuck up.”

Outrageous Ain’t Disgracious

Somebody get rid of the grammar police and distract them with something totally outrageous like an orgy on a parade float. I am totally sick of not doing something out of the

Parade Float three girls

Parade Float three girls (Photo credit: anyjazz65)

crazy or impulsive which is why I have titled this blog in the manner that I have.

Every once in a while, there comes a time when the ordinary can seem outrageous or bland. Who in the world decides what is outrageous and what is norm?

Why is okay for men to discuss sex or sensuality among each other but if a woman and a man do the same thing they can be made to feel shameful. It’s not like they are cheating on spouses or anything of that nature they are just having a good discussion. I was doing this the other day on skype with a good friend and he changed the subject. I was like why? He just felt uncomfortable. There was nothing to be embarrassed about but he changed the subject to mobile phones.

Other men though really relish the thought of being a bit naughty. They love the idea of having their cake and eating too. I don’t mind discussing sex or hypothetical situations of the erotic nature because let’s face it basically I am a sensual creature who doesn’t mind being outrageous with the best or worse of humanity.

I do have my no go zones. I don’t enjoy anal sex. I have been told that it can be quite pleasurable but I have had my ex try it on my on the sly. I am turned off to that sort of escapade entirely thanks to him. I can write torrid scenes about anal sex but personally I am not interested in the least. If a penis was meant to go in my anus, God would have made it a two way street and not a one way exit. I do have a vagina and boy does that like to be explored and was meant to be penetrated.

My mind likes to trip on all sorts of things and outrageous isn’t disgracious by any means especially if it’s about exploration of the erotic nature. Do you find being outrageous disgracious? If so how or why? 

Longing: Part 3 Secret Lover

The last time we spoke you were having problems with your cable. I sent text messages but was greeted with no response. I am getting used to this. Our mutual friend hasn’t heard from you either which has us both wondering about you. She is far more understanding then I am when it comes to human nature.

This silence just brings out the longing in me. I hate it’s persistent grip on my mind.I am forever longing to be in contact with you. It feels like decades at times. I crave to hear your voice or just know that you are ok just busy with your own life. I have my own life too. I have a great life. I have a devoted husband who loves me but what exactly is this longing that I have for you.

I have said this before and I am sure I will say it again but I think I am going insane with this dang longing for you. It wants to rip me apart. Maybe it’s the dang appeal of you that drives me crazy. The sound of your voice, the innuendos that we speak of but never do. I think I am really losing it. I don’t think you care about me as much as you say you do. I think I have built you up in my mind.

It’s like a fantasy that has so much potential and if the reality ever came to be it would tear us apart. Do I have a desire to self destruct? I wonder if we all do. I want to lash out and scream for you. I want you to take me in your arms and crush out all these fears that are telling me to doubt you; to doubt the feeling that I have for you.

I try to convince myself that what we have isn’t real but if I am right why am I having these feelings of longing. I am questioning if you have these longings too but why should you if this isn’t real for you. I am going round in circles in my head. This silence from you isn’t helping me either. It’s just feeding the paranoia.

I know we live in two different worlds and when we come together we create our own. I know how insane I sound but nobody gets us like we do. I have this with my husband but I have this with you too and I know how greedy I am how greedy I can be.

I want what I want when I want it but sometimes you have to deal with the cards you are dealt with which only feeds the longing that I feel. Do you feel this longing too? Do you feel this longing for me? Please I beg you answer me.


It’s 2:16 as I type this out lying on my bed naked listening to my hubby slumber. I know I could wake him easily which is why I am typing this up with my thumb. Me thinks this will be a short blog because of this fact.
At times like this, my mind trips onto either full on fantasy or I ponder getting myself off. If I were to get myself off though, I could wake up hubby. He is sleeping well. I like listening to his breathing. I have a tendency to be loud especially when I really enjoy myself.
I also feel selfish if I were to disturb him. I can’t sneak out of bed to grab my laptop since he sleeps so lightly. It’s not all bad. I know how blessed I am. I don’t want to take advantage though. If I were to wake him, he would do what ever I asked. It’s the decision of what to do. I am opting to blog which I wonder if its the right thing. I labelled this a rant but is it really? It’s half rant; half pathetic rambling which I can do as well as anyone else. Lol
I love my man to bits. He’s a top bloke in my book. I do fantasize though. Sometimes when I can’t sleep I make up dirty stories in my head to get me off.
The wind is easing which is nice. The rain has stopped. Sleepiness is trying to reign over my mind. I am really getting horny. Perhaps it’s time to get off. I will leave you for now.
What do you do when you have insomnia ? Please share!
writer’s note: when I put down my iPhone, he heard it. I have to learn to place stuff more softly because of this but the upside is he put me to sleep.