I’ve been crying over things. Friends who don’t stay in touch. A death of a sibling whom I felt extremely close to but something got in the way and years went by and I always thought I would get another hug. It’s not going to happen ever in this lifetime for me.
A good cry is sometimes what is needed. I’ve been missing another someone but it’s almost like I am grieving or adrift in a rip because they just aren’t responding. I should just phone or drop a line again. It just gets tiring always reaching out no response.
Songs keep popping into my head like Sting ‘When you love somebody’ or Sheryl Crow ‘favorite mistake’ which just makes me feel more adrift.
Time to let go; perhaps way past time to let go but I still hold on tight in this rip I am caught in because this person reminds me of my beloved sibling whom I lost.
Is it some demented primal game I am taunting myself with? It’s another sleepless night grappling with a situation which should be so simple to deal with but it’s complicated in my mind.
No one ever promised life was going to be easy but how in the world could someone be so heartless and cruel? These thoughts keeping popping in my head as I sit here trying to figure out how to help someone who is also hurting and lost without someone they love in their world.
Losing someone you love is never easy but to know another member of the family is blatantly lashing out at someone who is low and wanting to make them pay for something they had no control over and already filled with guilt over the loss is just fucked up beyond all reasoning.
In grief people do really stupid things. The truth of the situation is already fucked up beyond all reasoning. I don’t know how to express myself. I am trying to make sense of these things. I am trying to be Switzerland. I feel as if I am failing miserably on all counts. I want to be there for them both because we all have lost this person but tearing each other down isn’t what our loved one wanted. I know he would not be happy.
Why is it wrong to kick a dog when it is already hurting and broken but to hurt someone else who is already at their lowest point ok? In what universe is that even okay. I can’t believe how fucked up beyond all reasoning this is. It’s a reality in my world. I can’t fix it.
Yet in this fucked up situation I still have hope. The eternal optimist inside me still wants to believe that in the end everything is going to be okay.
It’s fucked up beyond all reasoning but I still believe in the end we will all be stronger.