It’s not okay

I wish I could just smile and pretend it didn’t hurt. I wish I could just say that I am not upset by the turn of events. Sometimes people forget that there are other people on the other side of the keyboard. The internet is made of computers but there are people behind those computers breathing, crying, laughing and wanting to share.

Even gamers sometimes forget that the people they are playing with or against have feelings. They can pretend in their world of fantasy as they back stab and plot their next attack but the person they are playing against or with does have feelings.

You can say that you care but if you can’t be truthful to the person you are relating with what does that say about you? Yeah, I am not okay because I am tired of the lies. I am sick of the half-truths or the simple fact that my feelings aren’t taken into consideration.

To say that you care about some one is easy to do. To follow it up with action is another kettle of fish which can be a slippery slope which I feel that I am the fish out of water trying to breath air when I have gills that filter life giving oxygen from the water.

I can’t even speak with the person I am upset with because I am so angry that I might actually make matters worse but aren’t I making things worse by not speaking?

Even as I type this I wonder if I am being too hard but I can’t help feeling the way that I feel. Is there a dang sign on my forehead that says go ahead and shit all over me. I don’t mind. It’ll wash off me. I wonder if I do because lately, that’s all I end up feeling. I am being shat all over by people who claim to care and want to spend time with me but when push comes to shove they fall short. WAY SHORT!

I wish I was harder. I wish I had thick skin and that things didn’t upset me the way that they do because in the long run, it doesn’t matter.

When am I going to learn not to have expectations or standards. When am I going to realise that everyone doesn’t think or try to take other people’s feeling into consideration. Not every one does this, so I shouldn’t be so shocked when it occurs.

It’s not okay. I am not sure how it will ever be okay but eventually the sting will leave me. I will heal and forgive but I don’t think I am ever going to forget.

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Holding back on the explicit

Explicit Architecture Logo

Explicit Architecture Logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No, this is not what I am going to do at all. For me, I won’t be holding back on the explicit at all. I will be forging upward and onward trying to break through as many of my own boundaries as I can because life isn’t about playing it safe. It’s about risks and growth. It’s from the safety of my anonymity that I feel safe to write what I feel like saying because I only reveal my true self to people I feel comfortable with and they for one know who they are. People often say that they want to be told the truth but I really feel like they only want to be told the pretty truth with a big ribbon wrapped around it. Sometimes when they have to see the ugly truth, the truth they don’t want to see about themselves, they go into denial which I suppose in a way I am guilty of doing because I am clinging to my anonymity like a junkie clutches onto his last hit. There is a false sense of security to this sort of thinking. I know I am guilty of it but fuck it, I want to feel safe even on the edge of fucking insanity, even as I plunge into the deep black hole I have created. Even in the darkness, there is a little light. There is hope because if you don’t know pain, if you don’t know darkness, how can you ever experience pleasure and light. It’s through the shock that we reach new truths and boundaries are redefined.

Holding back on the explicit, not on this blog because life is meant to be fucked and enjoyed even through the pain.