Make believe land

An escape from reality is sometimes the thing you just need to do. It’s really fun though when you can have company along the way.

It can’t just be just anybody. It has to be someone who can relate. Someone who is willing to take your hand or vice versa and go on the adventure with you. 

It could be tango dancing or exploring a whole new world. It might be spelunking in a cave or just talking about some outrageous scheme.

The thing is I want to find the person but is this taking things too far? Should I create this make believe land or just resign myself to the fact that fantasy is best to be just that fantasy. I can have the ideal in my head but why is there such a drive inside to find another to share this with. Am I being selfish? Am I deluding myself? I suppose I should be satisfied with what I have yet there is this desire. 

It’s not okay

I wish I could just smile and pretend it didn’t hurt. I wish I could just say that I am not upset by the turn of events. Sometimes people forget that there are other people on the other side of the keyboard. The internet is made of computers but there are people behind those computers breathing, crying, laughing and wanting to share.

Even gamers sometimes forget that the people they are playing with or against have feelings. They can pretend in their world of fantasy as they back stab and plot their next attack but the person they are playing against or with does have feelings.

You can say that you care but if you can’t be truthful to the person you are relating with what does that say about you? Yeah, I am not okay because I am tired of the lies. I am sick of the half-truths or the simple fact that my feelings aren’t taken into consideration.

To say that you care about some one is easy to do. To follow it up with action is another kettle of fish which can be a slippery slope which I feel that I am the fish out of water trying to breath air when I have gills that filter life giving oxygen from the water.

I can’t even speak with the person I am upset with because I am so angry that I might actually make matters worse but aren’t I making things worse by not speaking?

Even as I type this I wonder if I am being too hard but I can’t help feeling the way that I feel. Is there a dang sign on my forehead that says go ahead and shit all over me. I don’t mind. It’ll wash off me. I wonder if I do because lately, that’s all I end up feeling. I am being shat all over by people who claim to care and want to spend time with me but when push comes to shove they fall short. WAY SHORT!

I wish I was harder. I wish I had thick skin and that things didn’t upset me the way that they do because in the long run, it doesn’t matter.

When am I going to learn not to have expectations or standards. When am I going to realise that everyone doesn’t think or try to take other people’s feeling into consideration. Not every one does this, so I shouldn’t be so shocked when it occurs.

It’s not okay. I am not sure how it will ever be okay but eventually the sting will leave me. I will heal and forgive but I don’t think I am ever going to forget.

Pocket full of crazy

Pocket full of crazy heart full of love

Looking for direction but from where who knows not even from above

Got this craving not sure how it’s gonna get filled cuz I need a partner who’s not afraid to give.

Pocket full of crazy think it’s about to explode since it’s not getting expression & feeling compression maybe it’s an obsession when it comes to needing affection.

Pocket full of crazy overflowed 

Another Sleepless Night

I’ve been crying over things. Friends who don’t stay in touch. A death of a sibling whom I felt extremely close to but something got in the way and years went by and I always thought I would get another hug. It’s not going to happen ever in this lifetime for me. 

A good cry is sometimes what is needed. I’ve been missing another someone but it’s almost like I am grieving or adrift in a rip because they just aren’t responding. I should just phone or  drop a line again. It just gets tiring always reaching out no response.

Songs keep popping into my head like Sting ‘When you love somebody’ or Sheryl Crow ‘favorite mistake’ which just makes me feel more adrift. 

Time to let go; perhaps way past time to let go but I still hold on tight in this rip I am caught in because this person reminds me of my beloved sibling whom I lost. 

Is it some demented primal game I am taunting myself with? It’s another sleepless night grappling with a situation which should be so simple to deal with but it’s complicated in my mind.

Have you missed me?

Have you missed me? Have you missed my cheeky irreverence? Have you missed my flirtation? Do you miss the conversations we’ve had? The way we discussed things so freely. The openess you said I had was so fun.

I am questioning again if what we had was real. Did I imagine the connection? I think I must have but then we touch base again. I get confirmation causing the doubt to end. It’s the silence that’s the bringer of doubt. 

Which brings me back to the question I proposed first, do you miss me? Are you glad I’m back again ready to share? 

Do you want an erotic story or poem or one of my rants? I want to know so please leave a comment!



Disappear

I want to disappear. I am looking for a partner in crime. I want to be swept off my feet. To be lost in the tide with another who is just as lost as I. When we come together it will seem oh so fine to be lost in the disappearance until time is redefined.

It may only take a second, an hour, or five but when we disappear we’ll discover sensations beyond our own designs. We’ll feel desired in those moments when we are together disappeared to another world where right and wrong aren’t defined but elation rules otherwise sublime.

Sensation, elation, devastation, I want to disappear.

Fuck Off

If you are looking for a rant, buddy, you just found yourself on the right blog but at the moment there is absolutely nothing erotic being written here except for the use of a hell of a lot of fucking expletives

I had experienced a very lovely afternoon with a friend of my sister’s in law. Thank goodness I left my iphone in my room because if I had it on me when the message came in, I would have blown my fucking top even worse than I have.

I now recall why I had decided to cut somebody out of my life after the message I received. I know I was in the fucking wrong but still fuck me if that stupid bitch just didn’t understand why I didn’t respond to her long message. I was in no mood to mollycoddle her and let her think she had done me a huge favor by writing to me. Now I am taking the fucking coward’s way out and fucking ranting on my blog that hardly anyone has read to just get this fucking bullshit out so I can put this bullshit to fucking bed so I can get some fucking decent sleep.

I mean I know I was there for her in the past but why does she think I need to respond to that freaking huge message she wrote to me trying to console me. I don’t feel like dwelling on it and I certainly don’t fucking feel like responding to her but I fucking caved in, was fucking diplomatic about the boo boo I had done to her by not fucking responding fucking pronto to her. I didn’t want to write back. I could care less about what the fuck she is doing. So fucking what if I want to be quiet and not reach out when she was trying to be my fucking savior. I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t say I was fucking lonely or needed any fucking condolences. I just want to fucking wallow in my own feces for as fucking long as I fucking want to. I know this is fucking self serving and selfish. SO FUCKING WHAT! IT’S MY FUCKING BLOG!

JUST FUCK OFF! Enough said? Yeah, I think so. I want to fuck nothing changes there but I certainly don’t want to be fucked by this sort of bullshit which only gives me aggravation and fucking grief. I am dealing with my own shit in my own fucking way. In no fucking way did I say I wanted her input or ask for her fucking advice which I wouldn’t follow any fucking way because she’s paranoid. When you write to someone to console them, normally you don’t write them again to ask why they didn’t respond. OMFG!

Somebody get me off this computer and give it to me good…so good I fucking forget I said to FUCK OFF!

Questioning

I don’t want to be possessive
But I’ve ended up obsessive.
I’m feeling like a fool
As if I’ve broken all the rules
Cuz I know it takes two
But it seems like it’s all by your rules
I know it’s past time
I’ve got to break away from you
Not sure where you stand
But this is getting out of hand.
Are we on or are we off?
Are we friends or more than that?
Don’t stand there looking at me like I’m insane
You know you have to take some of the blame.
The silence is deafening
Still I am left questioning
Wondering what to do and hoping the answer will come up soon.

The Birthday Surprise

The idea had been formulating in her mind over years. It was a calculated risk for all parties involved but if executed properly everyone involved would be happy. The reality of the situation though is that things don’t often go to plan. Ideas are great on paper or in the mind but making them reality were on a totally different level which could backfire or derail at any moment. She wasn’t going to let fear though dictate what she wanted to transpire.
The tickets had been purchased. The car rental arranged. She had the address. There were so many other factors out of her control. It frightened her yet also added to the sense of anticipation she had built on the idea over the years.
It’s one thing to have a fantasy. It was another thing to try and make the fantasy a reality which was what she been plotting. No one had an inkling of what she had in mind. None of her family or her own partner knew her plot. He did know of the little dalliance she had with another man online. They had used this little scenario to heighten their own pleasure when they made love. It wasn’t a secret to either of the men in her life. They knew of the other party involved. She didn’t think she was being duplicitous even though she didn’t let her partner know that while she was away she was going to meet Larry. He often travelled for work and she did as well since she was going to a conference the following day in Chicago. She just neglected to inform her partner that she was seeing Larry, her online confidant/lover for his birthday. Larry had no idea either because it was THE surprise.
The plane touched down 5 minutes early. She rushed to the car rental, collected the car, and put Larry’s address into the GPS. It was 7 pm. Was he even going to be home? He could have gone out with friends to a local bar or to watch a game. If he wasn’t home how long was she willing to wait for him to get back? The questions fired off as she followed the instructions the GPS told her to do. Her flight back to Chicago was at 8 AM which meant she had to be back to the airport by 7. She didn’t have any luggage. She had all she needed in her oversized attaché case.
“You have reached your destination on the left.” The GPS announced in the whiny American female voice which grated her nerves. She pulled over, switched off the engine and collected her thoughts. She felt nauseous. Her palms were sweaty. What if he totally rejected her? She pounded the steering wheel to calm herself. Fear was not going to deter her. She looked at her reflection in the rear-view mirror. She needed to just relax. Deep cleansing breaths in and out slowly. She felt herself relax. She glanced at the car clock. 7:35. How long had she been sitting there trying to calm herself? She opened the car door. A Ford truck pulled into his driveway. She watched a man exit the truck with a 12 pack of beer. He didn’t even notice anyone as he started for the front door. Quickly she exited her rental, trying to act calm and sensual. She almost laughed at herself but focussed more on trying to be alluring than comical.
“Larry!?” Her voice broke the silence in the neighbourhood. He spun around to see who was addressing him. His face didn’t show any recognition at first. He watched the woman approaching trying to figure out how he was supposed to know her. It dawned on her that she might have just made the hugest mistake of her life. She reassured herself that life wasn’t living if you didn’t take a risk. His smile didn’t show recognition at all but common courtesy.
“Do I know you?” He still had his keys out heading towards the front door. He wasn’t sure what to make of this woman heading towards him in a business suit and oversized attaché case.
“It’s Jackie.” She crossed the street. Her shoes crunched on the driveway. He didn’t recognize her name. What was wrong with him? Obviously he didn’t think as highly of her as she thought of him. All those hours of talking online were for naught. She should probably just go book a motel room close to the airport and call Tom for phone sex. She should have never planned this birthday surprise for Larry who couldn’t even remember her.
He mumbled her name trying to figure out who she was. “OMFG!! Really Larry you don’t fucking recognize my name. And I stupidly bought all those lines you told me and whispered in my ear.” She spun around to get back to her rental. It was the tone of exasperation that hit Larry like a ton of bricks. “NO FUCKING WAY! Jackie from Australia?”
She spun around all venom now. “HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY DUDE!” She slammed the door shut while he ran towards the vehicle trying to stop her from leaving. She hit the start button. He put the 12 pack on the roof of her car. He flung himself across the hood to get the passenger door. He felt the car lurch. The passenger door wouldn’t open. “Come on Jackie, open the door.”
He saw the fire in her blue eyes that he always imagined it would have. He couldn’t believe she was really there but it was her. She had tears in her eyes. He never imagined she would pull off coming to see him but she was there and he had blown it.”Open the fucking door! And put this car into park. We can talk can’t we?”
Instead of unlocking the door she rolled down the window so they wouldn’t have to yell at each other. “It seems that is all I am good for… a good old chat!” She put the car in park. The beer was still on the roof. He tried to unlock the door from the window. She looked at him in his t-shirt. This was not the way she had imagined meeting him for the first time. In her mind she had romanticized how it would happen. They would have both been prepared. She couldn’t really blame him for not recognizing her.
“Hunny you didn’t even tell me you were in the area. How was I supposed to know you were going to be here. I thought you were in Australia.”
“If I told you it wouldn’t be a surprise.” She huffed but laughed at herself. “I wanted to be a surprise.”
“You want to come in and have a beer?” He retrieved the 12 pack from her roof.
She turned off the car. She grabbed her attaché case again exiting the vehicle after she rolled up the window. They both headed across the street. He opened the front door. “Sorry for the mess,” he apologized. “I wasn’t expecting company.”
“Got any glasses?” She asked him as she took out the bottle of champagne she had brought for herself.
He motioned for her to sit on the sofa after he moved the pizza boxes. He switched on the television which had a football game about to start. He returned with a wine glass for her and a bottle opener for himself. He sat down besides her opening the champagne for her and a bottle of beer for himself.
“To the birthday boy!” Jackie toasted and clicked her glass against his beer bottle. She took a sip from her glass.
He took a sip of beer just drinking in her presence. “As I live and breathe Jackie I never thought I would have met you today of all days. It’s been pretty fucked up for a birthday.”
She wasn’t sure how to respond to his statement. “A real shitter aye?” She finished the glass of bubbly and poured herself another.
He took the glass from her. He placed it on the coffee table. He pulled her close and kissed her gently at first with a hunger burning inside them both that took their breath away. It was no chaste kiss but one that promised potential that would consume them both if they were left to their own devices which was what Jackie had wanted all along. They kissed again. Hands roamed and fondled as they wanted. She took of her jacket and he took off his t-shirt. Clothes went flying mouths were exploring and touching. As more skin was revealed it was covered in kisses or flicked with a tongue. They were on the sofa doing as lovers are oft to do. After it was all over, he kissed the top of her head. “I know you are here but I don’t really know why you came.”
“I thought that was pretty obvious why I came. You knew how to play me.” The both laughed at her pun.
“I don’t know why you decided to be my birthday present.”
“Curiosity was the motivator. I had an opportunity and wanted to make the fantasy a reality. Is that so bad?”
“I don’t think so but you make it hard.”
“I certainly try my best to make you hard. A girl does enjoy sex when she’s got a good partner.”
“When do you have to leave?”
“In the morning so you better enjoy your birthday while it lasts. I have to be in Chicago for a conference.”
“How long will you be in Chicago?”
“Larry it’s only a 3 day conference. I don’t expect you to come and see me there. I just wanted to make your birthday memorable for you especially since it had such a fucked up start.”
He hugged her tight.”The birthday surprise certainly made up for the fuck up.”

Fucked Up Beyond All Reasoning

No one ever promised life was going to be easy but how in the world could someone be so heartless and cruel? These thoughts keeping popping in my head as I sit here trying to figure out how to help someone who is also hurting and lost without someone they love in their world. 

Losing someone you love is never easy but to know another member of the family is blatantly lashing out at someone who is low and wanting to make them pay for something they had no control over and already filled with guilt over the loss is just fucked up beyond all reasoning

In grief people do really stupid things. The truth of the situation is already fucked up beyond all reasoning. I don’t know how to express myself. I am trying to make sense of these things. I am trying to be Switzerland. I feel as if I am failing miserably on all counts. I want to be there for them both because we all have lost this person but tearing each other down isn’t what our loved one wanted. I know he would not be happy. 

Why is it wrong to kick a dog when it is already hurting and broken but to hurt someone else who is already at their lowest point ok? In what universe is that even okay. I can’t believe how fucked up beyond all reasoning this is. It’s a reality in my world. I can’t fix it. 

Yet in this fucked up situation I still have hope. The eternal optimist inside me still wants to believe that in the end everything is going to be okay.

It’s fucked up beyond all reasoning but I still believe in the end we will all be stronger.